Scorpio

Personality: You are known for your amazing abilities to make homeless people rapidly tap-dance for you, against their will by, simply fluttering your eyelids at them and calling them 'Jim'. Due to this, you are respected by lawyers, judges and the infamous King of beggars himself, who often sends you a bottle of glue as a gift, every year, in return for making him tap-dance. All Scorpios will scream, turn to ashes and crumble if they ever date goats, so avoid them at all costs!

Career: Scorpios, like yourself, tend to be attracted to careers like horsefly racing. This is something which only a Scorpios can handle as it takes a lot of skills, patience and nostril hairs to jockey a horsefly and win a race. Horseflies can be a pain to train and, bring up right, because of their incessant need to dress like Sean Connery and roll around the floor screaming. Even the Queen has a pair of royal horseflies which are used to drag her carriage during emergencies.

Love: As a jealous and possessive person, you will always try and restrain your partner by jamming a fork into his glands to prevent him from producing any attraction pheromones, just in case there are any horny hermaphrodites nearby. You are extremely jealous of hermaphrodites and will do anything to prevent them from coming near your partner. Your most common method of distraction involves ripping out hairs from your armpits and then throwing them at your enemy.