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Quiz: How Lady-Like Are You?

Release Date: 22nd March 2005

Ever wondered what it means to be ladylike? You know what I'm talking about. Whenever you burped at the table as a little girl, your mother would tell you not to do that cos its un-ladylike. Ever wondered why you are still single? Ever wondered why your mother keeps saying, "Haven't you found yourself a husband yet, you trollop?!". Well now you can find out, by taking this quick quiz and finding out whether you are as dainty as a show-jumping horse or more minging then a bush-pig in heat. Answer the 12 multiple-choice questions below and click on the 'Render' button. There are 6 possible outcomes to this test.

Question 1:
You are sitting on the couch with your partner watching TV. Suddenly your colon starts rumbling and you feel the urge to pass a lot of wind. What do you do?
a) Excuse yourself, run to the bathroom and flush the toilet so it will drown out the sound of you letting rip, thus preventing him from mocking you afterwards.
b) Slowly reach down and scrunch up the bottom part of your undies and stuff them up the crack of your butt, so you can slowly let it out through a sound-proof barrier. Then when you see him turning green, you pretend to be sickened by the smell and blame the dog/cat/bird for the vapours of death.
c) Discharge a huge potent air-biscuit from your rear-end right into the pillow behind you, then ram the pillow in his face and hold it there so he breathes in all of your sulpherous cabbage-gas and it all gets absorbed into his blood stream. When he protests, just remind him of the number of times he has done it to you.

Question 2:
You desperately need to "drop some friends off by the pool" so before the turtle touches cloth, you rush to the bathroom and lock the door. A few seconds later your partner knocks on the door and tells you to hurry up, because he wants to ride the porcelain pony too. As he waits outside the door, you realise he can hear everything you are doing and is probably listening out for rude noises, so he can tease you afterwards about it. What do you do?
a) Drop 200 sheets of toilet paper on the water's surface to muffle out any splashes while you core the apple. Remembering your high school Physics lessons, you get ready to scientifically stuff several sheets up your sphincter so they will absorb any duck noises generated during the aftershock. Finally you end it by opening the window and spraying as much air-freshener as possible.
b) Adjust the position of you are sat in so your chocolate banana hits the porcelain sides and slides into the water, thus making slightly less noise. You let off a few SBDs before flushing and opening a window.
c) Scream out loud "Bombs Away!" and drop those nukes as hard as you can, so they make a huge KERSPLOSH sound. Then you spray out a legion of butt nuggets and pebble-dash the toilet-bowl before ending it all with a few cubic litres of loud rancid dog-farts. You then shout out loud, "Lets see you launch ass bunnies like that, you eavesdropping piss-sponge!". You don't bother opening the window or using air freshener, just so you can laugh at him when its his turn to choke in there.

Question 3:
Just before leaving the bathroom you notice you've sunk the Bismark with your powerdump and your logs have not flushed properly. No matter how many times you flush you cannot get your stubborn bum-cucumbers to leave. They are just far too big. What do you do?
a) Fill up a bucket with water and pour the contents into the toilet from a height. Hopefully that should pack enough force to not only launch the torpedos but also wash away any porcelain skidmarks too.
b) Pour corrosive drain cleaner and soda crystals down the toilet and hope your buggernuts will burn away and melt. You don't give a rats ass about what effects the chemicals will have on the porcelain toilet or the seat, just so long as they work.
c) Grab the toilet brush and attempt to break up the logs into pieces, then leave, without flushing the toilet or cleaning the bog-brush. You only wish you had a camera installed in the bathroom so you could laugh your ass off when he chokes, splutters and vomits in there.

Question 4:
While cleaning your room you find a pair of skid-marked underpants belonging to your partner, which have obviously been carelessly thrown on the floor. What do you do?
a) Put them in the wash with the rest of the dirty laundry and don't mention a word about this to him, to prevent embarrassment.
b) Wave the undies in his face and say, "It doesn't hurt to learn how to wipe properly!", then laugh your ass off at him while making screeching racing-car sounds and doing impressions of that annoying blue frog creature who keeps coming on those ringtone ads.
c) Take close-up photographs of the undies and pass copies to all his friends, co-workers, and his employer with an attached note reading, "Dear Boss. Please give me a raise so I can afford continence pants, as my partner is sick of cleaning my skid-marked undies. Thank you"

Question 5:
You notice something else whilst cleaning. Lipstick on his shirt collar and a love-note inside his shirt pocket which appears to be from some other female! You immediately suspect infidelity and realise you need to approach him about this and find out the truth. What is your style of approach?
a) Show him the shirt and note and demand an explanation. Surely theres a good reason for all this, right?
b) Throw the shirt and note at him and ask him who his new "strawberry tart" is, while taking off your stiletto and threateningly pointing the heeled end at his gonads.
c) He's obviously been cheating! Words won't work here so there's only one thing for it. Wrestle him to the ground from behind when he is not looking, then tie him up with a steel cable. Phone up all your friends, so you can all have fun tearing him several new cornholios with a metal fire poker. Then hang him semi-naked upside down outside your bedroom window with a huge sign pointing towards his bum, saying, "Hey everyone! Look at my huge hairy ass! Please feel free to throw darts".

Question 6:
You are sat in a doctor's waiting room filled with people. How do you sit?
a) You sit with your legs tight together, back upright, and your hands lightly crossed over your handbag which is resting on your lap.
b) You slouch with your legs slightly apart, your hands covering the gap between your legs with one leg stretched out in front of you. If any guys try to steal a peek you quickly shut your legs and pretend you didn't notice them.
c) You slouch with your arms resting around the chairs by your sides, and you sit with your legs really far apart so every guy (and girl) in the room can clearly see you need to have your rancid bikini-line waxed. You let out the occasional SBD and quietly chuckle to yourself as everyone in the room vomits up their kidneys and runs to open the nearest window.

Question 7:
Your partner has decided to take you out for an anniversary meal at a posh restaurant in the city. What is your behaviour like whilst eating?
a) You chew with your mouth closed, giggle at all his jokes, look deep into his eyes, engage in conversation whilst tolerating the onion breath coming from his pie hole. You thank him afterwards for a wonderful evening.
b) You sit there telling rude jokes, talking rubbish and laughing out loud while everyone else gets irritated by your embarrassing and annoying presence.
c) You sit there with your legs apart, chewing with your mouth open pointing out other people's bad fashion sense and laughing out loud, and constantly adjusting your bra-strap in public. Whilst your partner is talking, you occasionally squint your eyes and open your mouth wide while chewing something and say, "BLAAAAAAAH!", just so you can laugh your ass off when you see him vomit up his food. You don't bother excusing yourself to go to the bathroom if you need to do your make-up, or pass a rectal-belch.

Question 8:
Whilst sat at the restaurant, you feel the sudden urge to sneeze and blow your nose. How do you do this?
a) Quickly grab a hanky from your handbag and sneeze into it, in a very dainty manner. You then excuse yourself to go to the bathroom so you can clear your nose of any excess mucus.
b) Sneeze into your hand, sniffle around for a bit before grabbing the nearest napkin and blowing your nose in front of everyone who is trying to eat. You wipe your hands with a different hanky an carry on eating as if nothing happened (much to the dismay of your partner who is now feeling ill).
c) You sneeze at your partner and totally slime his clothes and his platter of food. You then snort like a pig for around 20 seconds attempting to get rid of the mucus "naturally" before realising its too late and its actually hanging in strings from your nostrils and all over your handbag. You end up violently blowing your nose on the edge of the tablecloth, before showing the contents to your partner, who by now has turned green and been put off his meal.

Question 9:
Its "that time of the month" and your partner keeps pestering you for some "rumpy" this evening. You don't want to do this, so what do you say to him?
a) Give him the sorry puppy look and say, "Sweetheart. Its that time of the month. I really can't. Please try to understand". Then kiss him gently on the forehead and go to sleep. Awww how cute!
b) Say, "Not a chance buster! Why don't you go spank the captain instead, seen as though you love him so much?", turn away, pull the blanket off him and go to sleep.
c) Give him and angry look and say, "Listen you goat-faced horse-sphincter! Its rag week and I've got the painters in. So unless you want to emerge looking like one of those little Ribena characters, I suggest you leave it and go have a tug-of-war with cyclops instead, before I kick you in the 'Jiminy Christmas' and ram it down your throat so hard, you will be coughing up piss-wads for the next 20 years! Get it!?"

Question 10:
You are in a shopping mall, looking for clothes and your man is with you. You have just eaten at a nearby fast-food restaurant and have had a lot to drink with it. All of a sudden you feel as if your bladder is about to burst and you realise that you desperately need a toilet. However, upon arriving at the nearest public toilets, you see a sign outside the female lav, which says, "Out Of Order". What do you do?
a) Hold it in quietly while you search the building for another set of toilets.
b) Run into the disabled toilets and 'tap a kidney' in there. If anyone asks you afterwards you can just lie and tell them you have an unseen disability, so technically speaking it counts as being disabled.
c) You run around squeezing your legs together shouting "Ooooh I need to pee!". You then run into the mens room, go up to the nearest urinal, pull down your skirt and pee like a guy, whilst challenging your man to a competition to see who can make it go the highest.

Question 11:
You step outside your front door, to find the 85 year-old man who lives next door to you, stood there smiling at you. You've always known he fancies you and often pervs on your washing line. As you walk past he slides over to you and starts telling you how he thinks you are the most beautiful girl in the world and tells you about how sensitive he is because he secretly likes wearing frilly pink lingerie. What do you do?
a) Politely tell him that you already have a man in your life. Then tell him he should be ashamed of himself because he is old enough to be your Granddad.
b) Say, "Ewwwwww! Go find someone your own age you filthy old pervert! Oh and stop stealing my thongs from the washing line you dirty snow-dropper!" and storm off.
c) Pinch his wrinkly bum, lick his cheek and whisper "Lets just be friends!" in his ear before running off giggling. You take the liberty of flashing your bra at him from a distance before laughing your ass off while he coughs and splutters with shock.

Question 12:
You are in a bar with a few friends and from the corner of your eye you notice a cute looking guy staring at you occasionally and smiling. Its obvious that he likes you, but you already have a man. What do you do?
a) Flash a false smile back at him just once and then ignore him for the rest of the evening. If he approaches you, then you just make light conversation and make it clear to him that you already have a partner, and he doesn't stand a chance in hell of taking you home with him. You stick close to your friends for security reasons.
b) Smile back at him and if he approaches you then start flirting with him and teasing him. You turn all his advances in to a game and continuously give him mixed and random signals just to confuse him and mess with his head.
c) Smile back, whilst licking your hand and touching your mambas. You make sure you give him a glimpse of the fact that you are not wearing any undies, and flash him the occassional quick 'vertical smile'. You then walk over to him, grab his happy sack and say, "Lets cut the idle chitchat, shall we?", point towards the door and get him to leave with you.

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About The Author: Goblin Prince is the mysterious individual who is the founder and owner of Crazy Horoscopes. A rather odd young man hailing from the land of castles and fairies (aka England, UK) he sometimes likes to dress up as a pink moose and roll around the floor at the local McDonalds, screaming at random people. A lot of girls seem to think he is an astrologer, so to keep up this image he regularly writes horoscopes which make absolutely no sense whatsoever.
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