Virgo

Personality: You are a perfectionist which means that you can successfully grow a moustache on your chin and use it to flag down taxis and buses. All Virgos smell faintly of parsnips which, attracts and excites hordes of potential mates like Geminis, Libras, other Virgos, Scorpios, and small toothless goblins. You are a worrier, and will sit up all night thinking about pointless things such as why cats cannot fly, and why whales live and breed inside your underwear.

Career: You would have thought that with an analytical nature like yours, you would have made an excellent stock market analyst or a detective. However when it comes to careers, do you know what the best job for a Virgo is? Moose farmer. Strange as it may sound, all moose's have a soft spot for Virgos and will obey their every command like they some sort of alpha leader. However, if the moose ever asks you out on a date then don't accept as they are notorious for standing people up.

Love: You are the sort who tries to attract a mate by smothering yourself in horse manure and fist-fighting men in a gay bar. This is a common misconception and will only attract baboons and head lice. You are extremely sensitive to touch and will often shrivel up into a ball of burnt cinnamon as soon as someone touches your hand or calls you "Thumbelina". You need to relax a little and stop being so defensive when someone tells you not to flash your chin at homeless people.