Taurus

Personality: You enjoy all the attention from the locals and are well known for your ability to spontaneously combust whenever faced with a crisis or dilemma involving beetles or calcium. If you do not get your way, you sulk and, climb the nearest tree, where you pretend to be a howler monkey and insist on having food delivered up there, and the local takeaways usually co-operate just to prevent you from getting angry and urinating on innocent passers by.

Career: Taurus's are often employed by the military to run out into battlefields and jam enemy radar. It's a well known fact that anyone born under this sign has a bizarre combination of metallic elements inside them which, can actually jam radar signals. This has been proven to be useful in many military scenarios and was extremely successful with the Royal Air Force during the latter days of the Battle of Britain (Oct 1940). Most Taurus's are not allowed to live within 5 miles of an airport.

Love: A true romantic! You love to woo and be wooed, however unconventional your methods may be. Your preferred method is to burn some chilli and throw it into a bar or a restaurant. As soon as people come running outside, gasping for air, that's when you strike. As soon as you see a potential mate, you rip off your top, stuff tennis balls in your mouth, unleash a high-pitched war cry and chase them for miles, through streets, bars, shopping malls, etc, trying to get them to French-kiss you.