Aries

Personality: You are the kind of person who loves anything made from plastic and your short temper means that you would not hesitate to bite off your opponent's genitals in a fight, even if it was your own Mother. Your ability to be a clown sets you aside from the rest and people often point at you in the street and say "There's that person who steals turnips". Your sense of humour and razor sharp wit is loved by all creatures great and small including badgers and small molluscs.

Career: The ideal career for you would be shaving monkey's chins. In the poorer third-world countries, Aries are often employed by mandrills to shave their chins and punch them in the nipples. This sort of behaviour gives the monkey a high and is considered a type of vice by Western society as it is punishable by being tied to a metal pole and beaten by old war veterans armed with cricket bats. Try a safer type of client for this, such lawyers or judges.

Love: Your usual method of attracting a potential mate involves stuffing a pumpkin up your top, going into a bar, bopping people over the head with a rubber truncheon and shouting "Stay away from my chicken bone collection you ugly trumpets!" The thing people find most appealing about you is the 2000 rats that follow you around and worship you as their Goddess. Without them you would not be able to generate the 'horn pheromones' you often spray at passing midgets.