Aquarius

Personality: Spontaneous and erratic behaviour pave the way for allsorts of possibilities here. Most Aquarians paint their chins purple in order to ward of demons and grizzly bears. You get a lot of weird looks off the public, because you love to grow shallots on your head instead of hair, and also because you like to recite the entire works of Shakespeare every time someone says the word "and" to you. Most Aquarians can be seen hanging around statues, trying to play chess with pigeons.

Career: Chin Psychic. That's the ideal career for you. A chin psychic will sniff someone's chin and analyse the pores on the skin, and then will immediately be able to tell their future and read their mind. Aquarians are often employed by the Spanish police force to help solve crimes and lower traffic congestion. Beware though, as this practise has been banned in both the UK and the USA, and anyone caught attempting to sniff a chin can face a £5000 fine plus 2 year imprisonment.

Love: Your ideal date would be to sit at a restaurant or bar (disguised as wallpaper), and emit an awful smell from your skin pores in order to impress your man and make him think you are healthy. Afterwards, you enjoy activities such as pinching his buttocks, calling him "Dirty Emma" and running away giggling. Most Aquarians love to wear a turnip based perfume. This sometimes has the occasional bad side effect as it has been known to increase a person's IQ.