Capricorn

Personality: You are the type of person who collects X-Files DVDs and makes your friends ears bleed by vomiting up paranoid government conspiracies about mutant chickens, goblins and elves which only exist in your mind. You are the sort of person who can often be found in underneath leaves and foliage looking for electrical cables to chew on with your steel gnome teeth, which is just the sort of thing that gives the average Capricorn a good mental fix. You have the ability to grow horns.

Career: Due to the huge amounts of steel gnome teeth you have in your mouth, your ideal career would be an 'Irritable Bridge Troll' or 'Office Troll'. This breed of creature hangs around offices and call centres, and repeatedly harasses people by screeching and demanding they either pay up the full 12 kilos of jellied shrimps or they will set fire to your underpants and drag you around the place by your eyelashes. This job role is also known as 'Office Hag'.

Love: You love to shoot hot glowing embers from your mouth when you talk. This can put people off, as they will probably think you are on fire. Your idea of looking chic is tattooing yourself with pictures of dancing seagulls in order to look sexy. This look went out years ago and has been replaced with taking baths in orange flavoured gelatine. Everyone knows that makes you look extremely horny and will easily land you a date on your next visit to the local free-range egg farm.