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How To Combat Annoying Spam

Release Date: 2nd February 2005

Due to the popularity of the last article (How To Combat The Nigerian Email Scam), I've decided to write a general guide on how I sometimes personally deal with spam. This is honestly the LAST time I speak on this subject of and want to cover it in general this time so I don't have to write out an article for every different type of unsolicited email out there, as it will just bore me.
OK, so everyone has received spam at some point in their lives, and I'm sure everyone in the world agrees that they are most annoying things you can ever imagine (apart from sucky music), right? As usual, the best policy is to ignore these emails but I sometimes like to have a bit of fun with these people, and like to send them funny replies back. I just try and be creative and funny and make sure that I send them the kind of email, which will make them feel stupid when they realise I am poking fun at them.

Confused? OK then let me give you a few examples and show you what I mean:

DISCLAIMER: Do feel free to copy and paste my replies, if you need to deal with this kind of evil. but just remember, I am NOT responsible for the outcome so don't bitch at me afterwards, if they get annoyed by "your" cocky/funny reply. If you do it then its AT YOUR OWN RISK! I am writing these for personal entertainment purposes ONLY and I hereby declare that I officially DISCOURAGE you from sending them ANY replies at all! (Read the legal disclaimer before you do anything stupid)

OK so what are the main kinds of spam emails you receive these days? There's loads of them, but the most popular ones seem to be Penis Enlargement, Viagra, Porn and Weight Loss. Yeah right, like everybody who uses the Internet is a 500lb fat-ass, impotent, porn obsessed freak, with a tiny wiener! Speak for yourselves you pea-brained freaks, please, but don't assume that about everyone else, OK.

OK lets take 2 of these and see what we can weave up. How about Penis Enlargement and Weight Loss. I'm sure everyone has received those at some point in the past. Its also worth noting that most spam emails do not have a valid reply address. They do however have a link to the website which was responsible for the spam.

An example spam email about enlargement might read something like this:

========== message start ==========

Male enhancement pills that really work!
Grow an extra 1 to 3 inches!
100% money back guarantee!

*Increase length and girth
*Restore your sex drive
*More intense orgasms
*Increase stamina

========== message end ==========

When dealing with this, there are 3 key buzzwords I follow:

1) Creativity
2) Humour (<--- Yes, thats the British way of spelling it!)
3) Shock

Here is the kind of reply I would send:

========== message start ==========

Dear Sir

Thank you for spamming me with that wonderful information, which I did not request.

However good your product may be, I'm afraid it would be of no use to me whatsoever. You see, last month my knob fell off due to chronic leprosy which I caught off a horny donkey back in Vietnam. It all happened while I was jerking off in the local sewers (which I do on a Sunday morning when all the old people are walking past.) It just fell off just as I was about to electrocute myself in the nipples (which is the only way I can get off). Later on, when they checked me at the hospital, the doctor took one look at me, made the sign of the cross and offered to run me over with a speeding freight train. He also told me that my excessive tapeworm problem was caught from the bacteria inside that horny donkey's anus, and was not (as I previously believed) caused by ramming Hello Kitty Vibrators down my urethra during my late teens.

I was thinking of having a new knob built from petroleum jelly and bananas. What do you think? Is it worth me spending all that money on your product? If your pills cannot help me grow a new one, then would you be willing to offer me discounted surgery? (I'm on state welfare and I spend all my money on horse pr0n and those websites where I can buy a hot Russian wife for £20)
I'm sure a large company like yours can afford to help a poor knobless individual like me. Thanks.

Looking forward to hearing from you soon.

========== message end ==========

Not the best or funniest example in the world but you get the picture. A reply like that not only turns the tables (i.e: you are begging them for something they don't care about), but is also cocky and funny. OK lets try another theme and write a proper reply which is a hell of a lot more creative! The next subject is weight loss. I'm sure you've received a tons of emails begging you to visit their website where they will try and sell you pills, fluids, or grease or whatever which can help you lose 400lbs within 12 seconds or something, or your money back.

An example spam email about weight loss might read something like this:

========== message start ==========

Amazing diet pill!
As seen on TV!
100% money back guarantee!

Take these pills and watch the fat melt
away! Theres no room for flabby thighs
in your life. Now you can finally fit
into that bikini and size 8 dress!

========== message end ==========

You can have a lot of fun with this one! Here is the kind of reply I would probably send (if I can even be bothered writing this much):

========== message start ==========

Dear Sir

Thank you for sending me that retarded pile of dripping anal goat-rape! Now I can finally be part of the human race again, thanks to honest snakes like you.

You see, life is not good when you are a 800lb lard-globule of pig-fat like me. I currently hold the world record for eating over 100 suet pies in 2 minutes and my face looks like a drunken hobo ate a bunch of moldy sprouts and pissed out a stream of rusty water all over my head from his rancid ass. Its the closest thing I've ever gotten to a decent makeover and it only cost me some spare change plus a quick hand-job. My breasts are so huge they have their own gravitational pull and I often get meteors orbiting them and crashing into my mountainous scabs. Going to the toilet is a pain as I have to use a military-grade compass every time I use the bathroom, in order to locate my ass.

Maintaining a relationship in my condition is near impossible. My last boyfriend was great, until he had the operation to restore his eyesight. When he woke up, he gouged out his own eyes with a butter knife and then committed suicide by drinking aircraft fuel. As he lay there dying, he babbled prophecies about the coming of Lucifer and Armageddon, and hoping and praying that one day euthanasia would be legalised. For a moment I thought he was role playing and it turned me on. Then the police turned up wearing dark glasses and chased me with high-power plasma rifles (which can penetrate through the hull of alien spacecraft). Speaking of which, I was abducted once by aliens, but they immediately threw me out because their anal probe died and melted as soon as they inserted it into my ass (which explains why every vibrator I have owned has had a nervous breakdown and exploded or melted in my hands). Mind you, if I ever did get off with a guy, then he'd need an industrial corrosion-proof bin liner for protection, incase my ass decides to spontaneously erupt sulphuric acid, nuclear waste and other toxicities. I think its an auto-immune reaction. I'm not sure.

At least I still have my full-time job which is a swimming pool attendant. If any of the kids get into trouble, I quickly drink the entire pool. My part-time job involves web design. I run the only online magazine where people pay me lots of money and beg me to keep my clothes on. It all started when my prom date, who was a 14 year old spotty-faced drunken dungeons and dragons freak, paid me £100 to keep my dress on. He also threatened to chew up my face with a JCB if I didn't take the money and run. I used to be a public exhibitionist but I got sick of peeping toms, breaking into my house and closing my curtains.

I'd love to order some of your weight loss rectal suppository pills but I can't just yet, cos its 'rag week' and I've 'got the painters in'. I'm gonna need several more industrial-sized cushions and a few more kilos of painkillers and animal tranquilizers before I can safely unchain myself from the wall and leave the house again.

I will contact you as soon as rag-week is over. Thank you.

Yours sincerely,

Felicity BumChunder McLard-Ass III
(Chatroom Name: HotSexyBabe21)

PS: Are your suppository pills Y2K compatible?

========== message end ==========

That was a better reply and was much more creative. Nobody wants their emails, so why do they keep insisting on sending them?... Mankind may never know.

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About The Author: Goblin Prince is the mysterious individual who is the founder and owner of Crazy Horoscopes. A rather odd young man hailing from the land of castles and fairies (aka England, UK) he sometimes likes to dress up as a pink moose and roll around the floor at the local McDonalds, screaming at random people. A lot of girls seem to think he is an astrologer, so to keep up this image he regularly writes horoscopes which make absolutely no sense whatsoever.
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