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The Nigerian Email Scam

Release Date: 15th January 2005



Everyone at some point or another has received an email from a "friend" in Nigeria (or somewhere similar) claiming to be in desperate need of help because their Uncle's roommate's dog died in a field and the mass amounts of fortune left behind is going to be eaten by the government and spent on pizzas to feed homeless badgers with. They ask for your bank details and claim they will transfer the money to your account (which is safe because its in another country) then collect it later, upon which you will receive a fair percentage and a thimble full of mucus (or something like that, I can't remember.)
The best policy is to ignore these emails. Do NOT give them any information about your bank account, as once they have your bank details, these crooks will milk you dry! As you've probably figured out by now, I am not normal and as usual, am tempted to have some fun with these retards. The following message was shoved in my face a while ago. Read it, and then read my response below. If you decide to copy it, incase you need to deal with this kind of evil scam, then theres nothing I can do about that, but just remember, I am NOT responsible for the outcome so don't bitch at me afterwards, if they get annoyed by "your" cocky/funny reply. If you do it then its AT YOUR OWN RISK! I have provided a copy of my reply for personal entertainment purposes ONLY and I hereby declare that I officially DISCOURAGE you from sending them ANY replies at all! (Read the legal disclaimer before you do anything stupid. Leave that to professionals like me! ;) )

Here is the original message (Note: Most "African Scam" emails follow a similar format, i.e: a rich person is dead and they need a foreign bank account to deposit their money into):

========== message start ==========

reply immediately/to whom it might concern
FROM:DR PICADO. CHIZKOP.

** ****** ****** *****, Johannesburg

Rep Of South Africa.


Dear Sir/Madam,

I am DR DR PICADO. CHIZKOP.a consulting auditor of prime banks here in South Africa. I have the courage to Crave indulgence for this important business believing that you will never let me down either now or in the future.Some year ago, an American Mining consultant/ contractor with the South African Mining corporation, made a numbered time (fixed)deposit for twelve calendar months, valued $142M.USD (ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY TWO MILLION US DOLLARS) in an account. On maturity, The bank sent a routine notification to his forwarding address but got no reply. After a month, The bank sent another reminder and finally his contract employers, the South African Mining corporation wrote to inform the bank that he died without MAKING A WILL, and all attempts by the American Embassy to trace his next of kin was fruitless.I therefore, made further investigation and discovered that the beneficiary was an immigrant from Jamaica and only recently obtained American citizenship. He did not declare any kin or relations in all his official documents, including his Bank deposit paper work. This money total amount$142M.USD (ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY TWO MILLION US DOLLARS)is still sitting in my bank as dormant Account.No one will ever come forward to claim it, and according to South African banking policy, after some years, the money will revert to the ownership of the South African Government if the account owner is certified dead. This is the situation, and my proposal is that I am looking for a foreigner who will stand in as the next of kin to beneficiary, and OPEN a Bank Account abroad to facilitate the transfer of this money.This is simple, all you have to do is to OPEN an account anywhere in the world and send me its detail for me to arrange the proper money transfer paperwork, and facilitate the transfer.The money will then be paid into this Account for us to share in the ratio of 60% for me, 30 % for you and 10% for expenses that might come up during transfer process. There is no risk at all, and all the paper work for this transaction will be done by me using my position and connections in the banks in South Africa.This business transaction is guaranteed.And the first phase of the transfer will be ($42M.USD) FORTY TWO MILLION DOLLARS as advised by our insider in the bank.If you are interested, please reply immediately through my personal email sending the following details:

(1) Your Full Name/Address

(2) Your Private Telephone/fax Number.

(3)Your Full Account Details.

A{BANK ACCOUNT:

B}BANK NAME:

C}BANK ADDRESS

D}BENEFICIARY OF NAME:

E}SWIFT CODE NO:

THEN IMMEDIATELY YOU SEND ALL THIS INFORMATION REQUIRED BY THE BANK,THEY WILL IT TO CREDIT YOUR NAME AS THE TRUE BENEFICIARY OF THE FUND.AND YOU HAVE TO BEAR IN MIND THAT THE DECEASE PERSON DIED WITHOUT ANY {WILLS},YOU ARE STAND NOW AS THE OWNER OF THE MONEY THE BANK KNOW OK.

Please observe the utmost confidentiality, and rest assured that this transaction would be most profitable for both of us because I shall require your assistance to invest some of my share in your country.I will give to you,My Private:Tele & Fax Number which I bought for this business upon your positive response for heart to heart discussion and once I am convinced that you are capable and will meet up with the instructions of a key bank official who is deeply involved with me in this business.I need your strong assurance that you will never let me down now or in future.

I look forward to your earliest reply through my private email address.Pls you can reach me throught my private email account{************@*****.***)

Best Regards,

DR PICADO. CHIZKOP

PLEASE CALL ME IF YOU NEED TO CAL,BUT YOU HAVE TO CALL DIRECT,DUE TO IT IS STATELITE PHONE I JUST BOUGHT IT FOR THE SUCCESS OF THE TRANSACTION ONLY

Phone No:****************

Fax No:****************
************@*****.***

========== message end ==========


Oh glory! Millions of dollars just for me. How thoughtful of those cute little sweethearts.

Here is my reply:


========== message start ==========

Dear C*nt<--- Just trying to be familiar with him

Allow me to instroduce myself.
My full name is Professor Mzume Mutato Myana-Lolo.

How honoured I am that you have chosen ME out of all these worms to bestow this financial blessing upon. Lord God be praised!! Oh I am soooo happy I could sodmise a dead horse!! I am so sorry that your bank was demolished by those infidels from the West. They did that to my Fathers dildo farm. He was trying to produce the worlds first organic dildo by stuffing cucumbers with mexican jumping beans. It is my regretful duty to inform you that this farm was taken over and he had several of his own dildos shoved up his ass and urethra. He now runs his own website, and is better known as the 'Goatse.cx' guy or Mr Pink.
I AM the beneficiary that you speak of. I immigrated to the USA from a third world country (where we do not even have Playstation 2) by preying on a defenceless young American woman, getting her to be my penpal and then forcing her to marry me under threat of being beaten to death with my HUGE meat puppet! I have made her my wife and often enjoy throwing bricks at her chin and calling her mum a 'Ho'.
Your cheque for $142 sounds fantastic, and this will provide my family back home with frozen mice rations for 20 years, and there will be enough money left over to buy myself some Pokemon snuff porn and naked statues of Johnny Depp which I often enjoy mas*urbating over! Lord God be praised!!!
My family back home are starving and do not even have a plasma TV or a Lamborghini to drive! Oh the humanity!! Where is the governments help when you need it?
But you are my saviour. Please come to my house for tea and cucumber sandwiches. We will hold hands and watch Discovery Animal Planet together. I have many different type of animal lubricants made from a kangaroo's rectal-mucus. It is extracted by ramming glass tubes and pipes up its ass and then turning it on by shaving its sac with a Phillishave and whistling Britney Spears songs to it. I am also very experienced in cleaning peoples tailpipes and I promise you I swallow if I am put on a chain and kicked in the tits hard enough.

Here are my details for you:

Full Name/Address:

Prof. Mzume Mutato Myana-Lolo.
666 Knob-Jockey Drive
Beverly Hills, CA
90211, USA

Private Telephone/fax Number:

555-6969


Full Account Details.

BANK ACCOUNT: 706-511-212
BANK NAME: Greasy Donkey Stick Bank Plc.
BANK ADDRESS: 10 Grosvenor Sq. Mayfair, London. W1. UK
BENEFICIARY OF NAME: Prof. M.M Myana-Lolo.
SWIFT CODE NO: 1066

Contact me tonight. I will dance naked for you, if you increase my share of the money. I look forward to receiving every penny!

Thank you

Your Bitch in waiting,

Professor Mzume Mutato Myana-Lolo.

========== message end ==========

STATUS: No reply, as of yet!... ;)


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About The Author: Goblin Prince is the mysterious individual who is the founder and owner of Crazy Horoscopes. A rather odd young man hailing from the land of castles and fairies (aka England, UK) he sometimes likes to dress up as a pink moose and roll around the floor at the local McDonalds, screaming at random people. A lot of girls seem to think he is an astrologer, so to keep up this image he regularly writes horoscopes which make absolutely no sense whatsoever.
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