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Quiz: What Type Of Bitch Are You?

Release Date: 6th February 2007

Most girls have at least some bitchiness in them. Yeah, that last line caught your attention didn't it? Come on, there's no denying it - I don't even know you but yet I can probably guarantee there's been a time in your life where you've been jealous of someone, or you've felt the need to get revenge on a girl who did something wrong to you. The question is - what type of bitch are you? Are you the kind of girl who occasionally stands up for herself? Or are you the kind of girl who is not afraid to let the world know that you are a psycho? Or perhaps you are a perfect little priss who is always nice to people no matter what happens? Answer the 13 multiple-choice questions below and click on the 'Render' button to find out. You score points for every "good" answer you give. The lower your score, the bitchier you are! :)

DISCLAIMER: This article is for entertainment purposes only! I am NOT responsible for any physical or emotional harm caused to you or anyone else, as a direct or indirect result of reading this quiz. (Read the legal disclaimer for more info - oh and don't be a bitch! :) )

Question 1:
It's lunchtime and you are sat at your desk at work. An extremely overweight girl walks up to you and asks if she can borrow some money for lunch as she is short on cash until the end of the month. You recognise her immediately - she is that girl who has been smiling at your boyfriend and acting flirty with him whenever he comes to pick you up from work. Now she is asking you for money - what do you do?
a) Smile, hand her some cash and say, "Yes of course, no problem". You are happy to help someone in need. Deep down you feel secure within yourself that she doesn't stand a chance with your man - no matter how much she flirts.
b) Pretend you don't have any money and say, "I'm sorry, I don't have any cash on me today because my boyfriend is gonna be here soon. He's treating me to dinner, and afterwards we're going shopping for a size 10 dress.". You make sure you ram every word down her jealous, burning throat, so this fat bag of lard realises he is YOUR MAN and doesn't flirt with him again.
c) Look up and say, "Why don't you go look in the toilet you retarded lard monster? You crap out enough corn to feed a family of 6 for a whole year so I'm sure you can find something to munch on if you sift through your splutterbeans!". You then smile and say, "Oh and by the way, my boyfriend says to stay the hell away from him - he doesn't want your scabies!". You add even more fuel to the fire by repeatedly saying, "Waddle! Waddle!" as she walks away - in tears!

Question 2:
You are shopping with your friend and she picks out a beautiful dress that she likes. It looks absolutely stunning on her and really makes her gleam like some Hollywood fairytale fantasy. She asks you how she looks - what do you do?
a) You are really happy for her! You tell her she looks like a princess and all she needs now is a matching pair of shoes and a great guy to take her out and spoil her.
b) Deep down, your inner bitch doesn't want her competing with you, so you put on a serious face and tell her the dress makes her look chubby. You make sure you keep your tone friendly and sincere so it matches the attitude of a "genuinely concerned, loyal friend".
c) Oh my God, you are burning with bitchy envy from just looking at her! You tell her the dress makes her look like that tub of lard from the carnival who tells fortunes, and that it would take at least 2 bottles of Jack Daniels and a few heavy doses of horse tranquilizers before any sane man would even consider chatting her up. After she puts it back, you make plans to secretly buy the dress yourself. You wear it to her birthday party and show it off to all her friends.

Question 3:
That fat girl from work has started rag-week and has "got the painters in". She approaches your desk and asks if you will lend her a cotton mouse to help her out. What do you do?
a) You quickly search your purse for a tampon and hand it over to her with a smile. You are happy to help out.
b) Despite having a new pack of them, you tell her you are fresh out of clam plugs. You offer her a bunch of tissues as its the only thing you have. Deep down you secretly gain a lot of pleasure knowing she will be stuffing her beef curtains with your dried, crusty snot.
c) You strongly suggest she go down to the local farm and stuff a sheep up her fat, gaping yeast-infected gash as its the only thing which will fit. To add more fuel to the fire, you further her humiliation by suggesting she stay away from the beach as the coast guard would appreciate it if sharks didn't come in that close.

Question 4:
Your best friend comes up to you seeking advice on a serious problem. Basically she got jiggy with some old man down at the club last night and she cannot stop itching "down there". She thinks she has a sexually transmitted disease and is really worried. What do you do?
a) You care a lot about her and so naturally you are really concerned. You advice her to go see a doctor immediately.
b) Deep down you cringe with disgust but you try not to show it. You advise to see a doctor. Then without making it too obvious, you try your best to keep away from her, despite knowing that crabs can only be caught through sexual contact. You talk about her behind her back, and tell people not to say anything to anyone about it - knowing very well they'll still go ahead and tell the whole world!
c) Laugh in her face and tell her to stuff plenty of ice down her knickers to keep the crabs fresh, incase the VD doctors need to analyze them for new species of fungus and e-coli. You then suggest she shave her pits, brows, lashes and nipples in case her "visitors from beyond the bush" get sick of the smell of muffville and decide to migrate somewhere cleaner. You finally crown your streak of bitchiness by emailing all your friends and giving them the good news.

Question 5:
You find several condoms in your man's wallet - which is rather odd considering you are on the pill. There's obviously something suspicious going on here. What do you do?
a) Demand an explanation - you're certain there's got to be a reasonable explanation for this.
b) You grab him from behind, wrestle him to the floor, tie him up and electrocute his happy sack with a 200,000 volt tazer until he confesses! Demand that he spill the beans on his new bitch, otherwise you will shock his nutmegs until the hairs fall out.
c) Grab a fine needle and discreetly perforate every single condom with more holes than a golf course. You crown your revenge by burning his collection of Maxim magazines, and re-wiring his Playstation so it explodes when he switches it on.

Question 6:
You are on holiday and are sharing a hotel room with your best friend. She decides to pop out to pick up a few supplies from the local store. As you are sat there alone in the hotel room, you notice a piece of paper sticking out of the back pocket of your friend's pair of jeans (which she casually tossed on the bed). Upon closer inspection it turns out to be your boyfriend's cellphone number! What do you do?
a) Forget about it - its probably nothing to worry about. You know deep down your boyfriend would never betray you or break his allegiance with you. You'll ask him later, and find out what its all about.
b) Screw up the piece of paper and throw it at her nose whilst demanding an explanation. You threaten to rearrange her ugly face with a toilet brush, unless she spills the beans about her little affair!
c) Go into the bathroom, grab her toothbrush and ram it so far up your ass, it hits your kidneys. You then brush your brown-eye squeaky clean before using your phone cam to take a photograph of the handle sticking out of your bunghole. You pee on it a little before discretely drying and placing her toothbrush exactly as you found it. You then send her the phone-cam pics via email 2 weeks later with a message saying, "How does my ass taste, you back-stabbing little slut!?". You take the liberty of sending the pics to everyone you know - along with pics of your boyfriend's smashed up XBox.

Question 7:
Your next door neighbour knocks on your door one day, and tells you she is having trouble maintaining a relationship, as every guy she dates seems to disappear or not bother calling her. She's never been the most attractive girl in the world, and deep down she probably realises this. She's very upset and wants your advice. What do you do?
a) Invite her in, make her a cup of coffee, listen to everything she has to say and then reassure her that its the guys who are missing out on such a wonderful person and that she will find Mr.Right real soon.
b) You're not interested in her problems. Tell her you have a date tonight and you have to get ready quickly because your long-term boyfriend will be here any moment. You gain a lot of pleasure from watching her well up with envy.
c) Laugh and say, "Awww are you not seeing any action? Maybe its because your face looks like someone tried to put out a forest fire with a screwdriver! Why don't you shove a horse-shoe up your gaping anus for good luck and see if that helps, you Picasso-faced skank-whore!"

Question 8:
You are single, and somehow this really cute guy winds up working in your office. Just one problem - one of your friends who works in the same office, also likes him. What do you do?
a) Keep cool, leave it alone and let nature handle it. At the end of the day if he likes you for who you are then you are confident he will go for you. And if he doesn't like you, then its just not meant to be.
b) You go upto your friend and make some snide comment about him, which makes the two of you laugh. You make sure he clearly sees the two of you giggling away and looking in his direction. Then later on, go up to the guy and tell him "what she said about him" and make her out to be some kind of super-bitch. You use this opportunity to start a nice little friendship with the guy.
c) Go to the chemist and buy a bottle of antibiotics. You carefully peel off the label, scan it into your computer and add your friend's name to it, along with the words "Anti-Gonorrhoea Treatment - Take 3 Times a Day". You then print it out, stick it to the bottle and casually leave it on the floor, near the cute guy's desk for him to "accidentally find".

Question 9:
Your best friend somehow ends up with the most amazing man you've ever seen! You didn't think this was possible but this guy is Mr. Right in every single way imaginable. Deep down you just can't help feeling he would be the perfect partner for you. What would you do?
a) Be happy for your friend. Shes a great person and she deserves a great man.
b) Deep down you feel kinda jealous. You act all sugary on top when shes around, but you talk behind her back with your other friends. You even start a few rumours about her, and send her anonymous abusive emails just for good measure.
c) You plant a few slutty girl's cellphone numbers/contraceptives in his wallet to deliberately cause a big fight between them. You then invite your friend round to your place for dinner and a shoulder to cry on. You pretend to sympathetically listen to her problems and at the same time, make sure she binge eats lots of chocolate and delicious fried food. You keep repeating this whole process until the day she gets dumped for being overweight - then you go approach her ex and claim the prize all for yourself.

Question 10:
You walk out of public toilet and the girl in front of you has her skirt tucked into her panties. What do you do?
a) Quickly walk up to her and quietly inform her of her little error before anyone has a chance to notice.
b) You giggle to yourself and Shout, "Hey your skirt's tucked into your trolleys!"
c) Follow her with your phone cam on, whilst filming her from behind. You point your finger in her direction whilst quietly giggling to yourself, making sure everyone around you gets to see whats so funny. You then sell the film to some online pantie-pervert website for a good profit.

Question 11:
You are stood in a lift with several other people. You suddenly feel your stomach rumbling with a lot of gas and you get the urge to drop a beefy eggo from behind. What do you do?
a) Hold it in really hard. You wait until your floor arrives and head straight to the bathroom where you pass wind as discreetly as possible.
b) You wait until you have exited the lift. Then as soon as the coast is clear you release a few tree monkeys in the corridor. You get out of there quickly before someone comes.
c) You slowly reach behind and scrunch up your panties, strategically stuffing them into the crack of your ass, to act as a silencer. You then silently parp out all your cabbage gas whilst giving another girl in the lift an evil look, so everyone thinks its her when they start choking.

Question 12:
As a harmless joke, your friend buys you a really skanky, horrific looking sex toy for your birthday, with an attached note that reads, "I couldn't help sending you this for a laugh! Happy Birthday! xxx". You're not impressed! What do you do?
a) Accept the joke, laugh along and be grateful your friend at least thought of you.
b) Re-wrap the present, put on a happy face and give it back to her on her birthday.
c) Wait until her birthday then buy her an expensive, sought after, high-tech vibrator which is known for its ability to "hit the spot". You wrap it up carefully, with a note saying, "You've GOT to try this, its absolutely amazing! :) Happy Birthday! ;) xxx". You give it to her with a genuine, happy smile, just knowing she is going to try it out when she gets home. But what she doesn't know, is that you've discretely sprayed it with piri-piri chilli sauce, deep heat, spearmint oil concentrate and wasabi. Lets see how well she can walk with fried fallopian tubes!

Question 13:
Your man decides to break up with you, because he feels its 'time to move on'. How do you handle this?
a) Although you are not happy, your attitude remains at a mature level. After a few tears, you accept it and you are happy for all the memories you have of those special moments when you were together. You remain good friends, and vow to get over him and move on with your life.
b) You are totally sickened by this! You are not used to being dumped by guys, as its usually you that does the dumping. You argue with him for hours trying to convince him he is making a big mistake. You finally give up and end the argument by making up some lies just to wind him up, ie: some other guy you've been seeing who has more money and bigger "assets" than him. You start lots of false rumours about him, and send him anonymous email threats.
c) You throw a total bitch fit and start screaming obscenities whilst clawing at his face and throwing things! You swear to make him regret his decision, and you tell him he won't ever find anyone who as perfect as you. You then hire several goons to go break his legs and burn his house down.

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About The Author: Goblin Prince is the mysterious individual who is the founder and owner of Crazy Horoscopes. A rather odd young man hailing from the land of castles and fairies (aka England, UK) he sometimes likes to dress up as a pink moose and roll around the floor at the local McDonalds, screaming at random people. A lot of girls seem to think he is an astrologer, so to keep up this image he regularly writes horoscopes which make absolutely no sense whatsoever.
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